I want to share with your readers how this COVID-19 disease is affecting me. I have been a sex worker for 12 years, first as a stripper, then an agency escort, and now an independent companion for 8 years. I can usually say that I totally love what I do. I’ve made a shitload of money, travelled the world, and had so much fun doing it.
But now I feel destroyed. I’m not sick. Thank god. But this virus has ruined me in so many ways.
I live and work in New York City. I love this city. I always have. But now it feels like a nightmare come to life.
I have not worked in 3 weeks now. When I first heard people taking about this virus I had no idea what they meant. I don’t like watching the news much. I normally don’t. So things were happening before I ever heard anything. But then shit got really real for me. I found out one of my clients was sick. Badly sick.
“James” has been my client for 6 years. One of the best clients ever. I only see him 4 or 5 times a year, but he always sends me gifts and flowers and notes of encouragement. Our dates last all day and are such a treat. But I will never get to see him again. James died 2 weeks ago. He died from COVID-19. He was in his 60s, and had beat lung cancer 2 years ago. Now he is gone.
So is “Marcus”. He has been my client for over 2 years. I see him at least twice a month for dinner and some wonderful time alone in his apartment. But now I will never laugh at his silly jokes again. Or get to enjoy his impeccable taste in wine. He died from COVID-19 a week ago.
And yesterday my favorite client of all, a man who has become a dear friend over the past 3 years, has left my world forever. “Robert” was funny, handsome, intelligent, and maybe the most amazing lover I’ve ever had. I’m heartbroken as I write this. Robert was the last client I saw before I stopped seeing clients. He was the one who convinced me to stop working, for my own safety. I’ve seen him almost every week for 3 years. There will be no more late-night visits to his office, no more long lunches. No more Robert.
I also know that at least 2 other of my regular clients are sick. One badly. It kills me to know that I could lose another client, another lover, another friend.
I feel totally ruined by all of this.
Sure, I am losing money, but I’m not that worried about it. I’m smart with my money.
I feel this way because of how my heart feels. It’s too much loss all at once. I’m terrified every time I get a text alert. Is it more bad news? Is another person I care about sick? Has another client died?
It drives me crazy wondering if I might be to blame. 5 of my clients—at least—have gotten this awful disease. Did they get it from me? Am I one of those people I heard about on the news that can have the virus but never feel sick? Could I have spread this from one client to another before I stopped working? That thought keeps me awake at night.
I asked my doctor. He said it’s not too likely. But it is also possible. I asked if I could be tested, but he says there are not enough tests. Since I’m not sick, I can’t get a test. So I don’t know.
I’ve scrubbed my apartment five times now. Everything. The whole place smells like bleach. I’ve washed all my clothes. Twice. I’ve become like one of those people who are afraid of all germs. I’m absolutely terrified by the mere idea that I could make someone else sick. And yes, I understand that I’m being irrational and overdramatic.
My heart is broken. I decided years ago that I was not going to be some cold-hearted hooker. It wasn’t going to be just about fucking for some money. I wanted to build real relationships with my clients. And I have succeeded. I have very few clients who I only see one time. Usually it’s because I don’t want to see them again.
I text with my clients. For free. I send them selfies. We make friendships. We exchange gifts on birthdays. In 2019 I celebrated birthdays with 62 different clients. I loved every minute of it. I love these men that I get to be with. I love having them in my life and I love being part of their lives. I’ve made the most of this career I’ve chosen. I love doing it. I have not felt lonely for years because not a day goes by that I don’t see a client, even if its just meeting for a morning coffee (which I normally do every single day).
But not not. Like everyone else in this city, my life is completely upended. Nothing is normal. I do get texts and calls from some of my clients, but many I have not heard from. Some men have been kind and generous and sent me money and gifts from my Amazon wishlist. That has been nice. But it can’t replace real human interaction. And I worry about those clients I have not heard from. Are they okay? Are they sick? Or has their life made it impossible for them to keep in touch?
And I sit here and wonder what life will be like when this pandemic ends. Will things go back to normal? Will my clients come back to me? Will I be able to feel confident enough to see them? Has this changed me?
Am I still the same woman I was a few weeks ago? I’ve never felt such fear before in my life. Ever. Will I be too afraid to go back to “normal life”?
I did not get a chance to say goodbye to the clients I lost. James, Marcus, and Robert are gone from my life. I can’t replace them. I don’t know if there will even be funerals for them. If there are, will I even be able to go?
I can’t help but think that nothing will ever be the same again for me. I am proud of what I do. I am happy with the life I have led. But I have never been so uncertain or afraid of the future. I don’t know how to deal with everything that has happened. That is still happening. Everything that will happen.
I don’t really know why I wanted to share my story. Maybe just so people can know. Maybe somebody who thinks this whole COVID thing is no big deal will read this and see that it is. I see the news with all the numbers of people who are sick, people who have died. Over a thousand people here in New York. But to me, all of those deaths have the same faces. The faces of James, Marcus, and Robert. The faces of my lovers, my friends, my companions. I miss you all so much. My heart breaks for your loss. Goodbye my loves.
I want to thank Miss Stacy for sharing how the COVID-19 Pandemic has impacted her life. This disease has obviously been changing the lives of everyone in one way or another. Life as we know it has been interrupted (at best) or irrevocably changed (or, sadly, ended). I think it is important that we share our feelings, our fears, and our hopes as we go through all of this. If you wish to share your story, please feel free to leave a comment below. And if you are able, try to help out others that are in need.